Love Never Fails

I Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Who doesn't love this?  Just the first six words, "Love is patient, love is kind." Patient.  This is been a favorite word of mine lately and a very hard one to teach children from 3, 15 and myself :p

 Kindness, what a peaceful word.  Being patient is showing much kindness.  We usually want things now, we want a cookie now, we want those new jeans now, we want our husbands attention and help now!  Having patience & peace is a great kindness. As the old saying goes, good things come to those who wait :)

Right now CJ isn't home, being patient while he is gone is very easy. I am not constantly being reminded of the things he hasn't jumped up and immediately taken care of.  I am a little more self sufficient because I have to be.  I must remember the kindness of patience when he is home again.

Backsliding :p

“Without faith it is impossible to please God.” Hebrews 6:11

I worried, I yelled, I was impatient, I questioned...  I then had anxiety, frustration, sadness...

Then I had to apologize. I apologized because my heart felt heavy.  I knew I had gone too far.  I didn't show my husband the respect he deserved.  

I was forgiven immediately with love.  I still didn't feel any better. I needed to apologize again about my behavior.  I did and was met with the same love. :). 

:) that's all, short and sweet :)

A Good Example

"your faith in me gives me strength 😊"

What a powerful sentence.  

This is what CJ said to me this morning.  Our financial problems are soon coming to an end.  I admitted to my husband that I was starting to have a few small moments of not feeling very calm. I also told him "I knew you would handle it though 😊".  That's when he blessed me with that sentence. Your faith in me gives me strength. :D

I have been accused of having no faith in him. Of not believing in him. In my mind sprouted hateful things.  I would say that I cannot believe that I'm like that but they were my thoughts, my actions, so yeah, I can believe it.  Anything else would be denial.  

Though I am in the first month of waking up and realizing I've been doing this marriage thing all wrong, I know I am doing what is right because it feels right.  CJ has confirmed it many times in the past week.  I  was sure it would take me a very long time to see our changes. I am not one to let anybody have control. However I love my family more than myself.  I love my children and I want them to witness this change and see how much better marriage can be with out a power struggle.  My middle daughter told me that it was cool I was doing this.  What blessings !!!!

Phillipians 4:9

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Lessons from the Bible & The Duke

  Dare 3 was a report card and yesterday, dare 4 I really need think about. This is dare #5.

My dear brothers, take note of this:

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  James 1:19

This reminds me of a John Wayne quote; "Talk Low, Talk Slow and Don't Talk Too Much". The Duke is oh so wise ;)

I have to admit I don't listen as well as I should. I mean deep listening. Oh I hear what CJ says, but sometimes I'm just not listening.  And as I am hearing him, again, not listening, I am already thinking about what I am going to say next.  Slow to speak? Not so much.  Well we all know where this anger part is going.  

I have days where I have such patience I amaze myself. Other days the sound of breathing will grate on my nerves.  I pray I have the wisdom to be so slow to anger that it becomes second nature to me.  That it no longer amazes me. 

I was thinking that though I am focused on most of these things with my relationship with my husband, I'm hoping to spread it into all areas of my life. 

CJ is in a highly stressful situation right now.  He has said many times this week that he thinks I am perfect and doesn't want to let me down. That everyday he loves me more and more.  I have released my worry, focused on his leadership, and showing him respect. I believe that "Gods Got This". 

Scars of our past

Dare two is to think about the scars we may have received from our past.  I chose to answer them all even though I originally had it in my head to only choose two or three.  

- How did your parents interact with each other?

With no patience, no understanding, very little love and respect. Physical and verbal abuse :(

- Was there unconditional love for everyone in the home?

No

- Was there unconditional respect for everyone in the home?

No

- Were there healthy boundaries in your home or were people controlling?

Two people trying to control everything in a very unloving way. That doesn't usually work out.

- What are the deepest scars and wounds of your childhood?

I felt like a last thought. Everybody was so busy dealing my siblings drug problems, their marriage problems etc. and I still carry around anger over that because I still deal with it.

- In what ways were you “programmed” by your experiences to incorrectly view God, yourself and/or marriage?

My mom didn't trust men and really wasn't honest, my dad had a horrible temper and didn't try to think rationally how to handle situations.  My dad would get in weird episodes and try to talk about god and then start yelling and screaming didn't understand why my mom didn't take us to church etc.  I could write a book here but I won't.

I do not deny that I carry these scars and Even as I go through this journey I do not want my mother knowing I am doing this because she would have something very negative to say.  But I am already seeing positive responses from my honey.  That is what is important to me. He told me I was perfect today and hopes he doesn't let me down.  I love him :)

Expectations

I am currently taking The Respect Dare and joining the discussion at The Peaceful Wife. Join In!

What expectations did I have for our marriage? What did I have just for him?

I was a very young bride and going into our marriage I admit I didn't have any expectations. Until later. I expected my version of perfection in everything. I expected a young teen father to be a mature man.  I expected to be the next June & Ward.  I had no idea what that even looked like or how to go about it.  I was a  teen mom & wife. We had no positive role models showing either of us what it really meant to be married.

Through the years visions of the Cleavers started to fade and we were more like Rosanne & Dan.  The only thing that remained was my vision of what perfection should be and now I can look on it and realize that didn't make my marriage a happy one. 

Trying to impose what I thought a father should look like, what a husband should do and how my spouse should behave has set my household up for failure. I even had lofty expectations for myself that were not beneficial to my marriage.

Today my expectations for myself are:

Trust My husband. God's got this. Which brings me to the next one

Stop worrying.  If I truly trust "God's Got This" then what worries do I have?

Stop worrying.  Again just in case I start to back slide ;)

Release bitterness & resentment and be at peace. 

Let go of my imagined control.

Stop complaining and again, be at peace.

Putting my faith where my mouth is

Dear God, 

Thank you for giving my husband the opportunity to lead.  Also for me to show my strength of loving him and trusting his decisions.  Right now he has worry and doubt. Dear God please lift him and guide him as leads our family to success. All of what we have is because of you. I am thankful to have learned that and know that in my heart.  Thank you. Amen. 

My loving husband,CJ, had devastating financial news.  I just started this journey of losing my imagined control, I didn't think I would be equipped with the change of heart and mind. I stayed positive and uplifting. CJ asked to me to do only one thing for him and that was not to worry.  Wow, my first request and that's a whopper!  Me, not worry, yikes.  

I know it will take longer than a week to completely change years of habits. I know I will do everything to keep a calm level head, watch him lead and bring success to our family.  He needs my loyalty not my criticism. Learning now that my worry makes him feel like I have no faith in him helps me to squash the words that would usually bubble up.  This never helped and only put more pressure on him. It is his job to learn from any mistakes and mine to point out the good.  

I am choosing to strengthen my marriage not bring it down with control, worry and criticism.  I choose to watch my husband stand taller knowing that He has a loyal wife who's got his back ;)

Romans 8:28 ”all things work together for good for those who love God.”

That's between him and god, not me

While I watched my husband eat his way to nearly being diabetic and 50 pounds heavier all I could think was why doesn't he listen to me? I remind him not to drink sodas, and please don't drink Monsters, stay away from drive throughs etc and I tried doing it lovingly, or at least what I thought was. 

I was scared to lose him, I didn't want him to have a heart attack.  I was so scared. I was frustrated too because he is an intelligent man and knew the right thing to do. Then one day he decided that eating right and exercising was what he is was going to do. He took his life in his hands, he made the decision and he has been able to reverse the negative health effects of poor diet and no exercise. 

This will be a hard lesson for me to learn. That even though I want him to be healthy, happy and alive :p it's not my decision to make.  It's his and not my responsibility.  How hard is that!  

Holding back

I am holding back from over questioning my husbands choices with his career.  This is my first baby step into the life of being more respectful to him and releasing my imagined control over things I do not fully understand.

The last six words, "things I do not fully understand", that is a major confession and it is a scary one. I honestly do not understand his career, his decisions behind it or money.  How that hurts my pride to admit it and I pray I overcome that.  I never felt the need to get a better understanding and I realize that I want him to have control but my worrying and being scared of the What Ifs of life have made him less of the leader he desires to be.  He just tries to keep me happy and I have failed to be supportive :(

I desire to trust him, he is an extremely intelligent man and strong willed.  He is no follower.  

I desire to have a happier marriage as a result of letting go and following him.

Another confession; he has no idea about this and I hope that with my baby steps to be a proper wife, he will notice the change and be able to make decisions with a clearer mind and lead us.  I fear my own weaknesses has clouded his decisions and made him feel unsure. 

So that's my first couple of confessions and I know there will be more because I'm kind of a spoiled brat and I have no idea how to release my imagined control. 

I just don't want to be the water drip...

Proverbs 27:15

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day